My saving Grace …

She was the one. I chose her, or did I? Did we chose each other, or maybe it wasn’t our choice to make. Destiny.  I had no idea how I would feel holding her for the first time, but as the tears flowed, I felt comfort and clung to to that feeling as though my life depended on it, which it most likely did.

‘The one’ was always meant to be named Grace. Bluecroft Amazing Grace. I had included her in the dedication of a Freestyle Training Manual I wrote a full eight years before we finally met: ‘To Grace: when the time is right we will find each other and be together’. How could I have known? I felt it deep inside me and although my head tried to over-ride what I knew to be the truth, the fact was undeniable –  there was a another dog destined to be with me. The time just had to be right.

How could the time be right when it was all so wrong? As wrong as anything can be. My head told me it was too soon. Too painful. Too hard. My heart over ruled my head. It was always going to be too soon. Too hard. Too painful. I had two choices: walk away in fear; or trust, just trust and stop thinking. My head almost won the battle. To walk away would have been the easy option of course, but I would have always wondered ‘what if….’. It was touch and go until she was in my arms. At that moment I knew we belonged together just as I had known when I saw Pepper and Chandi for the first time.

We are all energy. Everything is energy. Could this feeling of knowing Grace was ‘the one’ simply be explained by saying that our energy is simply resonating at the same frequency? Like attracts like. I know this. We all know this, don’t we? If my dogs are like me then it follows that they are a reflection of me. I find that unfathomable . My dogs are beautiful, super-smart, kind, gentle, loving with a strong work ethic. Oh and sensitive too. And so much more besides. This is not how I think of myself. Maybe it’s time to think less. Or see myself through their eyes.

With Grace’s cold, mottled black and pink nose pressed into my neck,  I was already falling. Falling in love, yet my heart had been shattered into a billion pieces just days earlier. How was it possible to fall in love when my heart was broken? I didn’t know. But it was possible, my tattered heart was telling me and I listened. Or did I recognize her, meaning that she was already familiar to me, and that’s why I chose her?

Okay, let’s back up a bit. This is getting a little deep. You see? I’m thinking too much. As usual. But thinking is good, unless what you’re thinking about is so hard for your limited human perception to understand. I’m not the only one to be contemplating life the universe and everything and I’m probably not alone, despite much thought, in having no understanding of  how, why and what for.
Einstein said “….the distinction between the past, the present and the future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion”. Is the past, present and future all happening simultaneously? Are we already everything we can be? Does time exist? Or is this linear concept of time the only way we can make sense of everything? Are there multiple versions of me and Grace (and every living being) existing at the same time in parallel? That would mean that those we think of as dead are not gone at all.
If all we have is right now, no … right now…. no you missed it again, as soon as it happened it’s no longer ‘right now’. Surely the past present and future have to be happening simultaneously because there is only one moment in time that exists, has ever existed or will ever exist. That moment we refer to as ‘now’.  The only thing that changes is our perspective – we view it in different ways from different vantage points.

It makes my brain hurt. It frustrates me. I will never understand. Maybe we get glimpses of understanding. Have you ever experienced Déjà vu? Ever dreamed something that hadn’t (as far as your limited perspective knew) yet happened? I have. How can that be explained other than as the past, present and future happening simultaneously? Do you see where I’m going with this? The you’re doing better than me….

When I got Grace home I sat on the kitchen floor with her. She ran to me, bent her face down so her nose was practically between her front legs and dropped the top of her head down onto my knees and stayed there. Without thinking (what a refreshing change!) I reached over and put each hand on the top of her back legs next to her tail and rolled her up my legs so she was lying on her back with her head between my knees. As I rolled her, she pushed herself in the same direction. As soon as we had completed the forward roll that she initiated, I shivered and became goosebumpy (yes it is a word, well it should be). I had done the same thing before, but I hadn’t… It was so familiar though. Grace appeared to have done it before too, and she wanted to do it again, and again, and again ….Freaky.

Pepper and Chandi taught me more about life and how to live it, than anyone else. It took me a while to understand what they were showing me, and to change my thoughts and habits, but I did and it was the most valuable thing that I could learn.

There is a Buddhist proverb: “When the student is ready the teacher will appear”. I had to open my mind and want to find a different way to be. Before, I was always waiting for everything to be perfect and was perpetually disappointed to the extent that I didn’t truly enjoy anything. Life is never perfect. The only way anything is perfect is through its imperfections. Tough lesson. Took me roughly twenty-six years to learn it, and then another six to incorporate it into my life, until it became my modus operandi. I still practice it on a daily basis. Never again do I wish to miss the majority of my life waiting for my perception of the illusion of perfection to appear.

Dogs do not concern themselves with the past or future. All they are concerned with is here and now. This is a worthwhile lesson for everyone to learn. What I have spent the last hour writing about, they knew from birth. Smart dogs. Living in the moment is incredibly liberating. It takes effort to be fully present, body and soul. There is no point worrying about the future, or worrying about anything. Everything is going to happen as it’s supposed to, for better or worse, whether you worry or not. Why waste precious ‘now’ time? That time is better spent connecting with a loved one and creating a memory. No day ever dies if it created a memory. I like that. It comforts me. I can relive those memories and the moments that created them, right here, right now. So that would mean the past is happening right now then as I’m reliving it in my mind in the present? Time for a lie down. Over tired and definitely over thinking.


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1 Response to My saving Grace …

  1. Patricia Hoare says:

    My heart breaks for you and Chandi. Your love will last forever that’s for sure. God bless you, Chandi and Grace. You did the right thing getting Grace she will give you comfort. My prayers, love and thoughts are with you. You have chosen to be brave and I admire you. I lost my only son so I know what loss is. Look forward to your posts about Grace. Chandi will we watching and guiding you both. XXXXX

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